In Praise of Separate Bedrooms

My Husband Snores and I Can't Sleep!"TURN! OVER!!" I beg for the third time in half an hour. My husband snores like a banshee (not that I've ever hear

My Husband Snores and I Can’t Sleep!

“TURN! OVER!!” I beg for the third time in half an hour. My husband snores like a banshee (not that I’ve ever heard one snore… nor have I ever seen one). This time I leave out the‘PLEEEEZE”

“What? Huh?” he groans from somewhere in dreamland, as he shifts his position slightly.

“You’re SNORRRING!” I wail, irritation thinning my voice after my innumerable fruitless attempts to subdue those snoring sounds – the deafening, interminable, deafening roar!

I finally succeed. Or so I think. He momentarily emerges from La-la-Land, lifts his head turtle-style, and mumbles: “No I’m not!”

No sooner are the words out of his mouth than he falls asleep again, and off he goes: first pianissimo, then building to a grand crescendo, as if to say “I’ll GIVE you snoring!!”

Exasperated and insulted, I nevertheless respond sweetly: “If you weren’t snoring, why on earth would I wake you up to turn over?”

“Beats me!” He mutters accusingly, and off he goes again.

In sheer desperation I grab my pillow and a blanket, stomp my way to the living room and collapse onto the sofa. Eureka!!! Blissful silence! It’s cramped, but who cares? It’s quiet! I position myself carefully so that I don’t once again fall out of this narrow, makeshift bed.

When he wakes up in the morning, fresh as a daisy and full of the joys of spring, he remembers nothing of our little nighttime verbal dispute. Why should he? He was sleeping all night – I’m the one who spent half the night nudging, cajoling, begging, yelling and poking. yelling and poking.

I have not slept a wink all night (a little exaggeration doesn’t hurt). You were snoring so badly,” I complain, hoping for sympathy – and an admission of guilt. Instead, he turns the tables:

“You snore too,” he says testily. “But you don’t hear me complaining”

Excuse me? Now he is trying to make it about me?! Nice try! Think again, Buddy!

Now don’t get me wrong. I love this man to bits, and we have been together for 26 wonderfully happy years. But his snoring, which only started AFTER I had fallen in love with him and married him, is going to be the death of me. Isn’t it fascinating how nature hides the ugly side of aging until it’s too late!

Of course I’m aging flawlessly!

To be fair, we have tried the conventional solutions – to no avail. Nasal spray, nose strips, ear plugs (for me) – name it, he’s tried it. Truth be told, there are other treatment protocols – but they are more invasive, with potential side effects and risks that are scary. I want to help my husband (or perhaps more accurately, help me) eliminate the problem – I don’t want to eliminate my husband!!

My Husband Snores – We Need Separate Bedrooms!

So – if all else fails, I have to ask myself: Whose assinine idea was it that married couples should share a bedroom?? I just cant sleep in the bedroom with my husband snoring all night! I will bet my bottom dollar that there are countless desperate couples who have resorted to sleeping in separate bedrooms, but dare they publicize it? Of course not! People would assume that their sex life had flown the coop, and then whisper at the water cooler: “They’re having marital problems, you know!”

Oh! The shame of it!

I invite – no, I implore people to come out of the bedroom closet and speak openly and honestly about the problems inherent in sharing a bedroom, so that society ultimately recognizes that it was a flawed idea in the first place!

Take a look at some of the difficulties faced by many couples – and this doesn’t even take into account the snoring problem:

  • he likes early nights, she’s a night owl
  • she likes to read in bed, he says the light keeps him up
  • he likes to eat in bed, she won’t hear of it
  • he sleeps through the night, she keeps waking up
  • she acts out her vivid dreams, he fends off the blows

Now I ask you in all humility: Does it make sense for people to sweep these differences under the rug… I mean the blankets… so as to conform to society’s expectations?

So! If I’m so modern about the solution – why haven’t I moved to another room? Why haven’t I taken my own advice?

Well, to begin with, we don’t have the space – it’s just not an option, which is probably a good thing? But there’s more to it. I love cuddling together – and my body pillow doesn’t quite cut it as a sleeping partner. And there’s more. Our goodnight kiss and snuggle is an intimate ritual, and having one of us leave the room would totally obliterate the closeness thereby attained. And who would get the spacious master bedroom with the en suite? Now there’s a fight waiting to happen!

I am not immune to the judgment of society. My husband and I pride ourselves on having an excellent marriage – no one would believe this is true if we made the decision to have separate bedrooms! Do I care what other people think? Cringe! Cringe! Yes!!

So here I am, yet again on the cramped sofa, desperate to escape those horrible snoring sounds, and hoping that I don’t end up on the floor.

They call these the golden years?

Hark! I hear the pitter-patter of husband-feet approaching. He leans over to kiss me good morning, but instead of a kiss I hear a click, followed by a series of thunderous snoring sounds!. My eyes spring open in shock. Didn’t I sleep on the sofa to get away from this?

What’s that you say? That’s me? You recorded me snoring?!! How could you?!!

He singlehandedly burst my bubble and exposed my inelegance and imperfections! He has tipped the scales forever, stealing from me the privilege of being able to point a self-righteous finger.

All that’s left for me now is to patiently wait for a touch of age-related hearing loss.

I repeat: They call these the golden years?

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